


Doubts

by IvanW



Series: The Love We Know [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, Gay Sex, Love, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2014-01-19
Packaged: 2018-01-09 05:33:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1142071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim has been with Spock for almost a year, but something Spock said to him after sex makes him wonder about the state of their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doubts

The first thing Bones said to him was, “You look like shit.”

Jim stood just inside the doors of the medbay, “Thanks, doc.”

Bones said something in a low voice to the nurse standing by a biobed and then he started walking toward his office. “Come on, Jim. I have what you need.”

Jim followed and Bones shut the door, then turned to the small liquor cabinet there. “Seriously, Jim. You don’t look good. Are you sick? Should I be examining you?”

“No, I-I’m not sick. Just I don’t know. Fucked in the head I guess.”

Bones poured two glasses of bourbon and handed one to Jim. He sat behind his desk. “I’m not a shrink. But what ails you?”

“I think I love Spock.”

His friend snorted. “Well, I should hope so since you’ve been letting him fuck you for almost a year.”

“Well, yeah, obviously there’s that. He’s my Vulcan boyfriend. I get that.”

“Then what the devil are you going on about?”

Jim sighed and took a swallow of his bourbon. “I really, really love Spock.”

“Yes, we’ve established that.”

“Bones, of course I love him. I mean, hell, I knew that before the first time he threw me against the bulkhead—”

“Spare me the details. I know what you two do. Or I have a pretty good idea. And?”

“It’s just I’ve only just realized really how much I love him. I thought all loves were the same but they aren’t.”

“Jim, what in tarnation are you babbling about?”

Jim swallowed the rest of the bourbon, felt it burn his throat. “He thought we’d break up.”

“Come again?”

“Last night, after we had sex, and Jesus, he’s getting into biting more and more. I thought he was gonna bite my bottom lip off and the more I complained the more excited he got.”

“No details,” Bones protested.

Jim rolled his eyes. “After we had sex, we were talking a little.”

“You and the hobgoblin cuddle and talk after sex?”

He felt his face flush. “Well maybe. _Anyway_. He said when we first got together he thought we probably wouldn’t last.”

“Really? Those words?”

“Yeah, pretty much. He said he thought we might break up.”

“Did he say why?”

“Um, basically he’s an unfeeling Vulcan and I’m a promiscuous hothead.” Jim reached for the bourbon and poured more into his glass. “Me? A hothead? I’m not the one who had my fucking hands around someone’s throat.”

Bones nodded. “Well, I—”

“I mean who starts a relationship with such negative thoughts?” Jim continued as though Bones hadn’t spoken. “I’ve never had a relationship relationship before.”

“What the hell is a relationship relationship?”

“You know.” Jim waved his hand impatiently. “I mean really, he’s the first one I’ve ever really even wanted to try with to be something more than just feel good sex and he thinks…what? We’re just messing around and then we’ll break up?”

“Does he still think that?” Bones asked with a frown.

“He says no, not at all.”

“Jim, sure, you could look at what he said in a negative way.”

“How else should I look at it?”

Bones sighed. “Look I have my own issues with Spock, but I’d say that in spite of all the doubts he had about the two of you, he entered into a relationship with you anyway. He’s probably, what—the most unromantic being around—right? Yet, even though he had doubts about whether what you guys have could last, he entered into it. Don’t you think that says a lot about what Spock wanted?”

Jim bit his lip. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.”

“You’re off shift now, aren’t you?” Bones asked.

“Right.”

“Well, what the hell are you doing in here drinking with me when you should be spending time with your hobgoblin?”

“Hell if I know.” Jim finished his second drink and put the glass down. “Guess I’m an idiot.”

“That’s Captain Idiot.”

Jim laughed. “Thanks, Bones.” He stood up. “I guess I’ll go find Spock.”

Bones waved his hand. “At least someone’s getting lucky.”

“Ah, Bones, I don’t understand it. You’re a great catch and you’re so cute.” Jim poked him in the shoulder and grinned. “What about that Andorian in the Science department?”

“Shayla?”

“Oh, so you even know her name.”

Bones turned red. “What of it?”

“Oh, my God, Bones, are you blushing?”

“Don’t you have somewhere to be, Jim?”

“You totally are. You should go for it, Bones. She likes you.”

Bones frown. “You think?”

“Of course. But you’ll never know unless you go ask her, hmm?”

“Maybe,” Bones muttered, then waved at the door of his office. “Go on, get out of here. Before your hobgoblin comes looking for you.”

****

Jim made his way to his quarters. He suspected that actually looking for Spock there was most logical. Ha! He could be logical when he needed to be. And even though Spock officially still had his own quarters, he hadn’t stayed in there for months.

Sure enough, Spock sat at the desk in Jim’s quarters working on the terminal. He glanced up when Jim walked in.

“Hey.”

“You have been drinking. With Dr. McCoy.”

Jim rubbed the back of his neck. “How do you know that?”

“I can smell the alcohol. There are only two crew members you regularly drink alcohol with, Mr. Scott and Dr. McCoy. Mr. Scott is on duty in engineering. I also asked the computer to locate your whereabouts and it informed me you were in the medbay. Since I had not been informed of an injury to your person I surmised it was a social visit.”

“Ah, very logical, of course.”

Spock inclined his head, then rose from his chair. He came over to where Jim stood. “Are you intoxicated?”

“No. I just had a couple of drinks.”

Spock gripped Jim’s arms and pulled him close. He started to move his lips towards Jim’s, but Jim moved them away with a turn of his head, and stepped back.

“Will you marry me?” Jim blurted out suddenly.

Spock’s eyebrow rose. “Marry you?”

“Yeah, you and me. Husbands for life.” Jim laughed and he knew it sounded hysterical.

“Jim—”

Jim blew out a pained breath. “You don’t want to. Of course you don’t. Jesus, what was I even thinking?” He walked away from where Spock stood and over to the bed. “Maybe that bourbon affected me more than I thought. I’m just tired. I should go to bed.” He sat down on the bunk heavily.

Spock was suddenly there and he sat next to Jim. He grabbed Jim’s hands before Jim could move them away. “Jim, I did not say no.”

“Not directly but you don’t want to. I can see it in your eyes.” Jim made himself be strong. He’d done it all his life, he could do it now. “It’s fine, Spock. We can just continue as we are.”

“You have found our arrangement unsatisfactory?” Spock asked, carefully studying Jim. Too carefully, for Jim felt like a bug under a microscope.

“Yes. No.” Jim winced. “No. I love being with you.”

“But you seek more of a permanent commitment.”

“I said it was fine.”

Spock’s eyes narrowed very slightly. “Is this because I said, when we were first together, I thought it possible our relationship might end?”

Jim found he could not meet Spock’s gaze, which was really fucked up. He was strong, damn it. “Yeah, okay. Maybe.”

“Jim, you do try my patience.”

Now his gaze flew to Spock’s and there was annoyance there but also affection.

“I have said I love you at least once a day every day for the last seven point five months of our relationship. Sometimes more. Have I not?”

Jim licked his dry lips. “Yeah.”

“I ended my relationship with Nyota to be with you.”

Jim nodded.

“You are the only one I have ever said I love you to. You know this.”

He swallowed, feeling stupid. “Yeah, I do.”

“Yet you persist in doubting my affection constantly,” Spock said, shaking his head.

“I’m sorry.”

“Jim, I know that you have not known affection for most of your life. But that is your past. In your present and future you are assured you do not have to face anything alone. If marrying you will give you the stability you seek, then I will do so.”

“Spock—”

Spock stopped his words with fingers over Jim’s lips. “I would prefer to bond in the Vulcan way.”

Jim’s tongue darted out to brush against Spock’s fingers. Spock’s eyes widened slightly and he removed his fingers from Jim’s mouth. “You would? I didn’t think you wanted that. You’ve never said. I even told you that the Jim and Spock from the other universe were bondmates.”

“They are not us,” Spock said.

“Exactly. Which is what I mean. In spite of that, you’ve always said, well they aren’t us, and have no bearing on us. So I thought—”

“You do make a lot of assumptions,” Spock interrupted coolly.

“What does that mean, then? You do want to bond with me?” Jim asked, afraid to get his hopes up.

“Have I not just said so? Bonding is more complicated than a human marriage. My familial bonds were damaged when Vulcan was destroyed. I have sought time to heal them.”

“But when we first got together, you did not intend to bond with me.”

Spock stiffened. “It is not that it did not occur to me, Jim. You are the first person I have loved romantically, so it was natural that I did think of it.”

Jim sighed. “But because of me being who I am you didn’t think we’d last.”

“This bothers you.”

“Yes! God, Spock, I’ve never given so much of myself to anyone.”

“You never had doubts?”

Jim blew out a breath. “Yeah, I guess I did. But mostly that you would go back to Uhura. But that was just at the very beginning. And sometimes I thought I was more invested in us than you were.”

“And now you believe because of what I said last night that you were right.” Spock shook his head. “Jim, I have no intention of ever leaving your side. Or your bed.”

He closed his eyes. “Yeah?”

Cool fingers touched his temple and Jim felt an overwhelming amount of affection enter his mind. He gasped and opened his eyes to look at Spock in wonder.

Spock inclined his head. “Now do you see?”

Jim grinned. “I _am_ Captain Idiot.”

“Indeed. If you truly wish to marry before we can be bonded, I am amenable to that.”

“I now pronounce you husbands?”

Spock nodded. “I already think of you as mine.”

And hell, if that didn’t just go straight to his cock. Jim loved it when Spock got all possessive. Damn hot Vulcan.

“You-uh-wanna stake your claim, Mr. Spock?”

Spock growled low in his throat and Jim suddenly found himself flat on his back with Spock hovering over him. “I have staked my claim many times, but if you require a reminder, I will happily oblige.”

His tongue darted out to trace his bottom lip. It had the desired effect because Spock’s dark eyes stared at it intently. “I do. Require a reminder.  I so do.”

“I will make you beg,” Spock promised.

“Like I always do anyway,” Jim said. He reached his hand between their bodies to cup Spock’s erection through his uniform pants. He squeezed, watching as Spock’s pupils dilated and his lips parted on a pant. “Come on, Commander. Fuck me.”

“If that is what my Captain wants.” His voice was low, throaty and it sent electric jolts straight to Jim’s already hard cock.

Spock rose just enough to pull off Jim’s two shirts. They went flying across the bed. He dipped his head and flicked his tongue over Jim’s left nipple.

“Ah, God.”

“Captain, there is no deity responsible for—”

Jim huffed a laugh. “Shush.” But then he gasped as Spock sunk his teeth into Jim’s nipple. He’d learned early on that Spock was a biter.

“Spock,” he breathed out.

Spock moved up and captured Jim’s lips in a searing kiss. Then he resorted to doing as he always did, biting Jim’s lips until they were sore and swollen.  Jim loved it.

“God, Spock, so-so—you’re killing me here. Ouch,” he exclaimed as Spock’s teeth scraped against his lips.

“You like it,” Spock said triumphantly, his tongue licking at a sore spot on Jim’s bottom lip. “You love it.”

Jim didn’t bother to deny it. “You’re wearing too many clothes. Wanna feel your skin.”

His lover obliged, lifting up to pull off his own uniform shirts and discarded them with Jim’s. He smoothed his hands all over Spock’s bare chest.

“You are so beautiful,” Jim whispered.

“You are the aesthetically pleasing one.” Spock’s fingers were now at the zipper of Jim’s pants. “I do not hear any begging.”

Jim laughed. “Spock, please, please fuck me. _Now_.”

“Better, not sufficient.”

“Hey!”

Spock yanked Jim’s pants and briefs off before taking care of his own. Now they lay on the bed both completely nude.

“I know how to make you beg,” Spock said against Jim’s lips. He bit them again and Jim moaned.

“Yeah? How?” he asked breathlessly.

Spock scooted down Jim’s body until his face was right above Jim’s straining cock. Jim leaned up to watch as Spock’s mouth engulfed him. Drew him down deep into Spock’s throat.

“Ah, fuck, Spock! Yes!”

Cool fingers cupped his balls, rolling them with his thumb and Spock continued to suck him deep. Jim’s hands fisted the sheets as he rose to thrust deeper into Spock’s hot mouth.

“Please, please, please,” Jim moaned over and over, giving everything to Spock. “I want—”

Spock released his cock with a pop. “What do you want?”

“You. I want you. Inside me. Fucking everywhere.”

Spock growled and reached for the lube kept next to their bunk. Jim heard the squirt of the bottle and then his legs were being lifted and Spock’s slicked fingers were inside him. They pressed in, spreading him.

“Yes, yes, Spock. Please.”

“I do love the way you beg.” Spock’s fingers withdrew and were replaced with the head of his cock pushing into Jim, stretching him wide.

“Ungh,” Jim groaned.

And then Spock rose above him, slamming into him again and again with such force the bunk hit the wall repeatedly and Jim didn’t give a damn. Jim grabbed his dick and stroked it in rhythm to Spock’s thrusts.

“Spock, do it. Spock, please.”

Spock’s hand found the meld points on Jim’s face and soon they were joined in mind just as they were in body. Jim loved it this way, loved Spock stimulating his brain just as he took Jim’s body.

He felt Spock searching and then finding what he sought. White hot pleasure exploded in Jim’s mind.

“Fuck, fuck, oh, fuck!” And he was coming, splattering all over himself. Spock sped up his thrusts, pounding hard and fast until he was gasping out Jim’s name over and over as he spilled inside him.

Jim came to minutes or hours later, he didn’t know. He lay on his side and Spock was spooning around him. Spock’s hand was on Jim’s scalp, gently massaging.

“Mmm. Feels good.”

“I am glad.”

Jim smiled.

“I love you, Jim.”

The smile widened into a grin. “I love you, too, Spock.”

“And those doubts you had?”

“Doubts?” Jim turned over into Spock’s arms and kissed him deeply. “What doubts? 


End file.
